I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
