maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
