By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
