There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I met the friendliest cop last night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
