Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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