There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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