I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just found puke in my bra..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
