May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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