I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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