Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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