So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
a search helicopter?!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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