i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
