This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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