I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
