So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
