I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
