I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
im six kinds of drunk right now
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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