omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
