when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
