so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
