I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
