jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize