I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
