I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
