i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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