So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
