o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
