If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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