Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you