Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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