guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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