is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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