you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she told me i tasted like america
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
