if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
