bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
