I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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