I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Less talking, more tequila
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
