Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
