dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
