I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
