So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
