Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
