I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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