Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
