the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
