literally had 100 drinks last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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