I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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