after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
