yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
