You're completely useless in the revolution.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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