im drinking this country out of the recession.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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