omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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