i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
