So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Someone came in the potted fern
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
