dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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