I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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