just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
