Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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